Hey, ladies! Have you been hit on more times than a Whackamole? Are you starting to sympathize with a big mouth bass from all of the bad lines tossed your way? Did it hurt when you fell out of Heaven? Oops! That just slipped out. See how we men are? Well, at the risk of catching hell from all the dudes out there, I’m providing retorts to some of our favorite and/or terrible pick-up lines. Try these next time you’re approached by a creeper.
1. Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!
No, they’re prison pants. And it’s time for me to make my escape.
2. Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy!
No, I’m Finnish. Finnish with this conversation!
3. Feel my shirt. That’s boyfriend material.
It looks a little too clingy and hard to maintain.
4. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
I don’t. But I know karate and I could rip your lungs out.
5. There’s something wrong with my eyes. I can’t take them off you.
I’m having a problem with mine, too. I can’t see you getting anywhere with me.
6. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
I was gonna ask you the same thing!
7. Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?
Go ahead. I need to practice hitting a moving target.
8. Why don’t we get drunk and make some bad decisions?
You look like you already are, and you just did.
9. Didn’t we take a class together? I could’ve sworn we had chemistry.
I’m thinking it was history. Which is what you should be right now.
10. Are you a magician? Because abraca-dayum, girl!
Yeah. Now watch me disappear.
11. Is your last name Campbell? Because you’re Mmm Mmm good!
Your nickname must be Dirt Devil, because tonight you’ll be alone with the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
12. Do you have a map? I’m getting lost in your eyes.
Sorry, no map. So why don’t you just get lost?
13. Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Actually, it’s you. Because you just crashed and burned.
14. Excuse me, does this napkin smell like chloroform to you?
Not as much as that pick-up line smells like desperation.
15. You know, you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
And you look exactly like the guy I turned down two seconds from now.
16. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams?
No, they hurt from dodging corny lines like that all night.
17. Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!
Are you from Istanbul? Because you sound like a real turkey.
18. I just Googled “sexy” and a picture of you came up.
You’ll get the same result if you search for “not interested.”
19. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
If I said I wanted to check out your ass, would you turn around and walk away?
20. That’s a cute dress. It would look even better on my bedroom floor.
And it would look fabulous jammed into your windpipe.
21. Here I am! What were your other two wishes?
That he be charming and handsome. I guess not all wishes come true.
22. All those curves and me with no brakes.
So cheesy, and me with no pizza.
23. Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.
No, but you must be a jury notice because I’m trying to avoid you.
24. I feel like a library card since I’ve been totally checking you out!
Did you notice that I’m like a best seller? Currently unavailable.
25. If you were a McDonald’s burger, you’d be the McGorgeous.
Thanks, Ronald, but I’ve already talked to enough clowns tonight.